Sproaty

ALEX

No sense wasting your life as someone you're not... Be comfortable in the skin you're in!!

Walkin' a Thin Line
Friday, June 3, 2005 02:17 a.m.

Barkin' up old trees, and looking for old quick fixes. I'm not too sure what I want from life. I'm sure that now, in the moment, I'm happy to just play it as it comes to me. I'm happy not having to be accountable TO and FOR someone else. Ironic how a year or two later, my mind completely changes. Maybe it's a good thing. Old frienships rekindling. How do I take what's happening? How do I play this fiddle? When I'm SUDDENLY invited out somewhere... am I supposed to jump, or am I supposed to play it cool... make her wait... chill out... and then what? When we go to the beach? playin' it cool's only gonna last so long... HOW BOLD am I to be this time? The mood seems different... seems calmer, more... intimate. AM I READING THIS WRONG!? She's gotta know that I'm going to though, doesn't she? I wish things were more clear. I wish that I knew what I was reading, it's all Greek to me, has never been truer. For anyone reading this, NO I AM NOT IN LOVE... I'm not even close, and I'm not considering a relationship with anyone. I'm considering a friendship taken to the next level... but not to the NEXT next level. See... I know EXACTLY what I'm doing. Come on guys... stop thinking about it like that. It's not an OLD tree... it's just a tree, that I've started peeing on... just didn't finish. isn't it? ~AL

Some Sense
Wednesday, June 1, 2005 02:00 a.m.

in all my fluster and fury, I managed to keep my prom pictures. For fear they would be destroyed. A boy only goes to prom once, doesn't he? and after all it was just an experience. Sitting in my room chatting like old times. Scary though to think that so much time has passed. Nothing has changed. I still look with those adoring eyes. I hear less... like I tune out the words, and only hear the music. Writing and reading, and talking. Scary to think that two years ago... What was happening... what we were saying... and now here we are again, back to square one... Nothing has changed, only a day has passed. and this time, when I'm outside looking up at the blue moon, I'm not alone. Funny how, eh? So much time can pass, and everything can change... YET... nothing changes. Choices made, aren't my favourite. Would have liked to see better... but... some are good. School, and future. Thinking, contemplating MOVING and not just to a quaint coffee shop down the street in the village. I'm glad I had some sense, to save some of my past. Wish I would have kept the notbook that symbolized my time spent... or did i? Who knows. Makes me realize though, that I do have some sense... I am doing this... making changes... Becoming Alex. Finially And Proud to be. **Got a membership at Goodlife, I'll let yah know how THAT works out** ~AL

School
Friday, May 27, 2005 01:03 p.m.

I'm in the midst of trying to figure out if I can afford schooling. can I? With my GRAND total debts already adding up to 2 years of school, if not more? 20,000 is nothing to just overlook. What if I did delcare bankruptcy, no... I'm too flakey for that. I need to get my ass out of this place, out of this rut, and on with my life. MAYBE just MAYBE Stacey has something, maybe she's more than just good looks, ;) Maybe this is something that I can consider. Something that IS do-able. Wish me luck on my road to finding information... LEARNING what I can and cannot do. wish me luck on my road. My path. Thank you all! ~AL

I am a Genuis (for this moment only)
Thursday, May 26, 2005 10:22 p.m.

I finially figured out why the hell none of my entries would pop up, and THEN I realized that I had sent a million and one "Test" entries. All I had to do was read the fine print. So here I am. Sitting on my "couch" in my room. Chilaxin' in style, on my lion print blanket. Realizing yet again, how lonely I am. She called today, and then what? What do i do? when what I want to say is please come back home, yet I know what I have done, and how happy I am now that the boundaries are no more... Beer and talks, and ultimatly the freedom, and time to experience my life, on my own. To be dependant for so long on someone else, leaves your heart empty when it's over. Where does my life go now? Who knows. All that I do know is that I'm here... standing at the brink of the rest of my life, waiting to see what comes. As I not only transition into the man I was born to be, but transition into the human being, independant and strong on my own two feet. Don't get me wrong, I'm lonely. I'm just trying to be more at peace with the intensity of lonliness that I feel. that being said, Stacey is on my ass to get over there. I must go NOW. ~AL

Time for an Update
Thursday, May 26, 2005 01:23 a.m.

Wonder who still checks out THIS page... Wonder who doesn't Wish i had a place... of my very own to spill my thoughts, my feelings and my life. Who wants the update? I'm fucked up. Who doesn't want the update? then go home, cause that's what this place is... a place for letting people know what the hell is going on in my soap opera type life. I did it. After two years Court and I are seperated. Together no more. I'm useless and empty. I feel like a leg has been cut off, perhaps more accuratly my heart ripped out. This is for the good of the majority. As far as everything else, I'm learning a lot about myself, my feelings, and the way that my newfound masculinity and the mind of a guy. Someone to give me my shots? Do I need someone? or will i eventually suck it up and do it myself? can I take it in the ass? *sigh My heart is in a whirl. I'm not sure what to do, Conversations interrupted by crazy ass stealers, and then again, they walk in together, and I drive home. felt good to be myself for a minute. Felt good to not worry about what I was doing. Felt good to be free for a second. I feel good. Aside from my insanity caused by my intense lonliness. No one to cuddle up next to, noone to clean my ears or pick my face. The love is gone. My heart is empty Didn't realize how dependant I am on other people. Trying to fill my time, but in that, only getting discouraged, and bummed out. Things will change, that I am sure of. Until then... wait... I guess? Goodnight, I've been up all day... and went to bed late. I guess I should get some sleep, since I work again tomorrow. At least I have something to get up for. ~AL

I'm a boy! A Real boy...